bengal4000

so.  life.  the other day i told judith that when i start serving again in january i'll be choosing to serve at calvary boca....for at least a year, probably at least a year and a half.  it was very relieving to make the decision.  but it's still very hard to give up choir for another possibly 2 years.  i've wanted that for so long.  sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice.  but i truly believe boca is where God wants me to be...

other than that things are going pretty well.  i suppose even that is fine.  just difficult tto accept at times.

i haven't written in so long.  it feels like some part of me is missing or empty.  i've tried a bunch of different times but all i seem to do is stare at blank pages.

-- savanna

Sanctus Real -- "Lay Down My Guns" 

Well I just need a place to lay my head
Forget the chain that hangs around my neck
These guns are not as heavy as the hearts they defend
I can't wait to get back home where I can find some rest

When I lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

And I have seen the devil in this place
And I lost myself when my friends found the grave
When you're this far from Heaven
It's hard to keep the faith
I'm barely holding on
I can't wait to

Lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

And I'm laying down these burdens
Taking off the weights
And I can't count the miles that I've walked to find my way
To lay down these guns
How I need to lay down these guns

Lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
And I'll abandon my defenses and live to love again
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

Lay down
Lay down
Lay down my guns

every once in a while, you find a song that expresses perfectly all your thoughts and emotions.  and when you find that song, it reassures you're not alone on this crazy planet.  someone else has been there before and knows where you are and where you've been.  it's easy enough to forget that God always understands.  it's even easier to forget that those around you can understand, too.  but when you do remember, it gives you a sense of community in this big old messed up world.  and it gives you peace enough to hold your head up and keep pressing on.  because when it really comes down to it, every person is just the same as you and me...a sinner in need of a Savior.


-- savanna

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." -- Corrie ten Boom

imagine the impact of believing that enough to live it out day to day.

-- savanna 

well, i've not been on here in forever.  this week has been crazy.  i was home over the weekend and i was supposed to fly out monday morning but all the flights all day were terribly overbooked.  so at 6:49pm sunday, i decided to try to get on a flight to atlanta that left at 7:53pm.  i made it and the flight was delayed like an hour.  when i got to atlanta a headed to my gate to spend the night in the airport before flying to tally at 8:20am monday.  but at 11:50pm i heard a boarding call for a flight to tally that had been delayed like 2 hours so i was able to get on it and got back to tally around 1am monday.

the rest of the week is a bit of a blur with multitudes of assignments due.  tonight i have to go to a concert at school.  i'm not terribly thrilled.

in other news, there is a pretty good chance i'll be taking summer classes back home at BCC.  i am pretty thrilled about that.  now i just need to find someone to live in my apt all summer.  and you know i have to actually get into the classes.  hmm.  yeah.

i'm rather distracted at the moment because i'm in my technologies class and i'm actually sort of paying attention for once.  i'm further distracted because i broke a nail and it hurts.  =P

-- savanna

 i'm attempting to do the "impossible"...write while sitting in the middle of a crowded, busy kitchen.  probably one of my absolute BIGGEST pet peeves is having people watch over my shoulder while i'm writing.  i can't concentrate or think and it gets me mad.  so i'll keep this relatively short.

i'm not sure of my plans for the rest of the day.  probably it will end up being something i don't expect at all.  i hope so.  i like surprises, haha.

last night i got to sing at boca.  i've not been there on a wednesday in forever and a day.  it was fun.  i got to sing with amy, i've never done that before.  she has an amazing voice.  matt was very sick.  after service me and ashley went to go walk mike and judith's dogs and then we ended up going to burger king.

-- savanna

for the past 2 days i've been unsure as to whether or not i had a midterm in my lit2020 class today.  but thankfully i didn't, neither is it next friday, which i was also afraid of.  next wednesday i hereby christen a "day of death."  i have my tech and short story midterms that day.  i also have to pack for spring break and the tmi seminar that day.  alright so technically i could pack before then, but that would absolutely undermine the idea of perpetual procrastination that i've so faithfully adhered to.  what an odd sentence.

ahhh, i can't write more at the moment.  it is rather frustrating to be interrupted while writing.

-- savanna

so thursday i spent the day in a state of half-being, meaning that i realized i was getting what promised to be a lovely chest cold and slept off and on in the afternoon, waking up every 30-45 minutes, seemingly plagued by the clock.  i was up till midnight reading and whatnot.

yesterday morning i woke up at 6:30am and since i was feeling blah i went back to sleep until my second alarm at 8am.  then i got up, washed my feet, slammed into a wall (i was a little dizzy), and studied till 8:45am.  then i went back to sleep until my third alarm at 9:30am, at which time i got up, finished studying, and went to school.  i had a test in my music class that i got an 88 on, and i finished in a half hour, getting out at 11:45am.  i intended to go sleep until my FAD class, but i saw tanner, eric, and a girl i'd not met, maiken, up in the amphitheater and tanner saw me and waved for me to come join them.  it turns out they hadn't started praying yet, so we prayed for a good half hour and then went to  the starbucks on campus and had a long, good discussion until i left for class at 1:10pm.  in my FAD class, my prof mentioned that he was a religious conservative, which i had long suspected, so i stayed after class and spoke to him for a few minutes.  i got the feeling that he held certain beliefs himself, but was very accepting and tolerant of other people's beliefs.  still, even that degree of "christianity," if indeed it can be termed thus, is more than i have ever found in any of my other professors.  so it was interesting.  then matt called to say he'd had a dream where i was singing some song and sounded pretty good, but unfortunately he couldn't remember what song it was.  i got back to the apt around 4ish and slept till 7pm.  at that time i got up, ate a slice of pizza, and got on the computer for the first time all day (that should give you an idea of how sick i was all day).  then i was awake reading and on the phone until maybe 1am. 

i had very vivid dreams last night, and i don't recall ever dreaming with so much color (though i always dream in color) and noticing so many details.  twas weird.  this morning i was up at 6:30am texting dani off and on till close to 8am.  at first i was out of bed and feeling well enough, but i kept feeling less energetic and sicker as time went on, so at 8am i was back in bed falling asleep when i heard a faint, muffled beeping.  it took me a good 30 seconds of thought to realize that it was the alarm on my watch going off and it was muffled because i was lying with my arm underneath me.  after that i went back to sleep until 12pm.  at that time i got up, and i was feeling rather poorly and my voice was cracking and my cough was worse.  so i got up, ate a slice of pizza, talked to myret a bit, talked to matt twice, talked to my family twice, and got on the computer.  and now i'm awake enough that i don't want to sleep, but tired enough that i don't want to move.  which means i'll probably read LOTR all day long.

-- savanna

so i'm getting sick.  again.  of course.  i mean it's been what like a whole week since i was last sick...

it's been raining nearly all day.  it's rather lovely, but i'm very glad it was clear last night to see the eclipse.  days like this make me want to just sit and open the windows and think or read or sleep.  i've done all three today.  unfortunately i've done a fair amount of coughing as well.

at the moment i hate my bedroom in my apt.  it's far too dark and dead.  if my windshield wipers were in better order it would be the perfect time to go driving.  but they aren't so it isn't.  this is a time for friends who are far away and dreams that are farther still.

but those things will come in time i suppose.  i have 4 months here to leave some lasting mark of my existence.  in some ways i already have...i expect to continue to correspond with prof. randeree after i leave here.  i expect i shall have contact with myret.  but i hope mostly to leave some mark within intervarsity christian fellowship here at FSU.  can i leave someone changed for the better because they have known me and seen God in me?

can i claim to have ever done so?

-- savanna 

oy.  i got lost in my thoughts as i opened this to write.  totally zoned out and sat with my head in my hands for like 5 minutes before remembering i was about to make an entry.  welcome to my mind.

it's funny that this is a journal and yet so much of what i write is designed at least in part to be read by other people.  it's a weird concept when you think about it.  ever since dani asked if i wrote short stories the other week it's been floating around in the back of my mind.  i don't.  but i wonder if i can.  i've half a mind to try it.  but i don't know.

if "savanna's back" has been the phrase of the semester for everyone back home, "i don't know" is fast becoming the phrase of the semester for me personally.  how am i?  i don't know.  what's going to happen with school?  i don't know.  why don't i know anything?  i don't know.

you know as bad as my memory usually is, it seems to be getting worse.  i honestly couldn't tell you what i did yesterday after getting back from school.  i remember coming back around 7pm and i remember lying in bed sometime after 11pm.  nothing else.

again with the spacing out.  depending on my mood it can take me over an hour to get out a short entry like this.  i give up on writing any more for tonight.  i can't focus at all. 

oh and i went to the gym tonight...

-- savanna

i HATE late afternoons.  the time of day, that is.  just in general.  from about 4:30 or 5pm till it gets dark.  5-6pm is especially dreadful.  for several reasons.  nothing good or fun is ever going on because people are always busy leaving work or getting ready to eat or something like that.  but the main reason i hate this time of day has to do with light.  i thrive on sunlight during the day.  as soon as i'm up i have to open the blinds and whatnot.  and at night i like to have a lot of lights on.  i don't at all like having lights on during the day, provided there are enough windows in the room.  a room without enough windows to properly light it during the day is a terrible room and i hate being there.  but anyways, i hate late afternoons because as the sun sets, it gets darker.  but for at least an hour or so, it's light enough outside that i still want the blinds open and the lights off, but it's too dark inside for me to feel like doing anything without turning on the lights.  i hate that.  it makes me restless and short-tempered and i feel like throwing things at a wall.

*sigh* i'm so not normal.

-- savanna

this evening i'm sitting cross-legged in my chair at my desk in in my apt in a skirt and tank top.  there are several reasons for all of that.  i'm at my desk because i'm on my laptop.  i'm sitting cross-legged on a chair because i can and because i like it.  i'm in a skirt because i'm supposed to wear something moderately nice when i fly standby (as per the delta guidelines).  i'm in a tank top because i was wearning in under another shirt that i took off.  i'm in my apt because i live here.

so.  friday at 4 pm i decided to fly down for ashley's mom's wedding on saturday.  i also decided not to tell people i was coming.  so ali picked me up and i showed up at my house about 8:45 friday evening.  my weekend was relatively quiet.  friday i just hung out.  saturday was the wedding and i spent the night at ashley's house.  this morning i went to church.

i currently have a very strong desire to go to the mall and go shopping.  this may sound like blasphemy but right now i'm bored and even sick of being on my computer.  *GASP*  yes, i know, i must be crazy.  it's just that after spending a weekend at home having a real life it's a little unexciting to come back here to my fake life.

i'm going crazy.  i've been here about an hour.  what's going to happen in another 3 hours?

-- savanna (will spontaneously combust)

7:30am- turn off first alarm
8:30am- turn off second alarm
9:30am- third alarm goes off, hit the snooze button
9:38am- turn off third alarm and get up after debating staying home from school
10:33am- eat breakfast
10:35am- leave the rat cave to walk to the bus stop
10:40am- arrive at bus stop
10:45am- get on the bus
11:02am- get off at the wescott bldg, walk to the music bldg
11:06am- text emilie about dreaming flicka called me
11:15am- music class begins
11:29am- daniela calls
12:04pm- music class ends, begin walk across campus
12:05pm- call daniela
12:20pm- technologies class begins
1:00pm- technologies class gets out early, begin walk across campus
1:03pm- call matt
1:05pm- matt calls
1:25pm- family relationships and life development class (FAD2230) begins
2:15pm- FAD2230 ends, take elevator up to 3rd floor
2:30pm- short story class begins
2:33pm- begin writing on livejournal
2:36pm- stop for pop quiz
2:41pm- resume writing on livejournal
2:57pm- stop writing on livejournal

this is just sad on so many different levels.

-- savanna

i'm in my technologies class.  i walked in today about the same time as my prof and as i was heading to my seat i thought i heard my voice in the clamor of everyone talking.  so i turned around to him and was like were you talking to me and he's like no....and i'm like man i'm hearing voices.  i love getting no sleep.  woohoo!!!

so this morning i got up and studied for my music exam for an hour or so.  then when i got to my music class i was pretty early so i got to talking to the guy next to me.  he seems pretty cool, he's back down from south florida.  i also saw bj king on the bus today and talked to him a little bit. 

i was severely tempted to go to the starbucks on campus after my exam this morning and get my raspberry mocha frapp but i decided it was too far out of the way to walk with my backpack and it was fairly cold outside so i just went to my next class early and got online haha.  it's funny...my choices come down to starbucks or the internet and i choose the internet.  i guess it just goes to show what my true priorities are.

i am so incredibly hungry.  it feels like i've been hungry for forever and a day.  i'm thinking a classic italian quiznos sub with extra banana peppers would make for a lovely dinner.

HAHAHA.  my prof just said that poodles aren't real dogs.  what the heck.  random.  i love randomness.

-- savanna

so jon came over last night and the three of us watched ocean's 11.  i finished making my cake after he left, it turned out very nicely.  today i watched the ccftl service online since i overslept and missed the calvary tallahassee service.  twas a good teaching and one i needed to hear.  this afternon i cleaned and organized pretty much my entire room.  then i did some homework and whatnot.  nothing too exciting.

i finished reading the jungle book this morning and began reading blue like jazz. i absolutely love love love that book.  it's one of those books i think i should reread every 6 months or so.  i've also been working on posting my inspiring/motivating quotes and stuff on my wall.  so far my favorite is a chinese proverb that says "the best time to plant a seed and grow a tree was 20 years ago; the second best time is now."  i know it's kind of silly to write those kinds of things out and put them on my wall but it really does stir something inside me when i read them.  :)

pastor bob talked a lot today about not getting bogged down in the past, but moving on after sin.  that was cool because that's what i'd been learning and trying to live out after the whole cutting issue.  it was nice to hear my decision to move on immediately being sort of affirmed by my pastor.

i started filling out my application to fau this afternoon as well.  i'm applying for the summer term.  i've decided that if i'm accepted over the summer then i will go to 678 camp as a leader.  and if i am not accepted for the summer term then i will very seriously consider going back to tmi all summer.  we shall see.

it's somewhat strange to think that i may have only 3 months left here.  today i was thinking that i would like very much to do something spectacular and worthwhile that will make a lasting impact for when i leave here.  it may be as simple as getting my roommate to attend church regularly.  again, we shall see.

the key for me is always having something new and different to do.  i guess i get so easily distracted that i need constant stimulation to remain interested or inspired for any real amount of time.  i also need to be free to have those distractions.  when i read a book, i love going at it for hours on end, usually until i finish it, but during that time i get up every so often to get something to eat or take a phone call or just move and think about something else.  even if the distraction is only for a moment, it makes me more eager to go back to my book.

-- savanna

so my weekend home was much fun.  friday i did...nothing.  saturday i went to walmart and chilis with gus and ali.  then i took charlie to boca with me that night.  sunday i was at boca for forever and a day as usual then me and ashley went to see the movie mad money.  monday ali came over and i baked a pound cake then i went and picked up daniela and after driving back to my house to get the correct set of car keys, we went to the new house and hung out there for a few whiles.  tuesday i guess i did something during the day then i drove around for like over 2 hours that night taking gus to a bible study before ending up at dani's house to watch about 2/3 of the guardian.  wednesday i was up early to fly back to tallahassee and i ended up throwing up a record 6 times on the plane and then one more time when i got back to the apt (also know as the rat cave).  so i skipped class wed and went to thagard (health center) in the late afternoon.  thursday i didn't do a whole lot, i actually pretty much don't recall anything i did that day.  friday was school and my last class was cancelled so i was home early.  today i woke up, read some of the jungle book, slept again, got up and went to publix, made chili, half made my jello cake thing, and now i may go wake myret up cuz one or more persons of hers might come over this evening to i dunno study or something like that. 

my room is again a mess so i may, no i will, clean it this evening night early morning tomorrow whenever.  =P

i miss my cat.  i miss having something that depended on me for its survival.  i'm contemplating getting fish but what i really want and always have wanted and have NO idea where to get is one of those plants with the fish living in the vase.  i guess the fish eats the roots or something like that, whatever, the point is i want one.  now.

argh.  i have too much mental energy right now.  i can't stop thinking!  i need to like factor some quadratic equations or something.

yes, i am very much aware of the fact that i am a dork.

-- savanna, the dork

so. update time!  ummm....i was drawing today.  index cards and colored pencils.  fun stuff!



and i had happened to come across this adorable pic of my super cute kitty!


and i found this random incriminating one of me that proves my dad's theory that my phone is permanently attached.



so i was thinking i'd try cooking more often.  last night i had an exciting experience involving flames, hot oil, smoke alarms, and the best teriyaki chicken ever.  haha.  this morning i looked up 41 verses that i intend to put on my wall.  i also found 5 cool quotes that i really liked as well.  it's part of my new "write motivational/inspirational/convicting/other things on index cards with pretty sharpies and stick them on my wall where they can haunt me every morning so that i don't slack off" campaign.  yep.  i cleaned my room at 4 a.m.  that was exhilarating.  okay not really, but i can't help it i'm an emotional cleaner...that sounds so weird.

have you ever read an A1 steak sauce bottle?!  i love it!  so funny.  one side says "shake well!  if there's only one drop left, a more extreme from of shaking may be required.  like dancing.  or jumping jacks.  you can do it."  the other side says "because man cannot survive on steak alone.  we know.  we've tried."  hahaha!  oh dear, i'm easily amused.

-- savanna

the original...the first half is funnier.



"jingle bombs"



i really need a life, haha...

-- savanna

alright, well in the last 2 hours my schedule changed a LOT.  on the advice of my advisor, i dropped info science and medieval lit.  in their place i picked up computer literacy, family relationships and development, and music worls cultures.  that means my schedule is now as follows:

M-W-F
music-- 11:15-12:05
technologies-- 12:20-1:10
family-- 1:25-2:15
short story-- 2:30-3:20

my comp literacy class is all online except for a meeting this evening.  so that means i have class monday, wednesday, friday basically from 11-3:30.  not a bad schedule.  if you're wondering at the random classes, the 3 i picked up are what my advisor calls "cake-walk" classes.  meaning that they're things i can easily do well in and bring my GPA back up to the required 2.0 so that i don't get kicked out of the university.

i'm really nervous about the technologies class, but i should to alright.  and i really like that i now have 2 full days where i don't have class.  and 11 a.m. isn't too bad for my earliest class either.  not as wonderful as 12:30, but not nearly as bad as 8 a.m.  =)

so here's to hoping i can get through this term and get out of here and into somewhere else.

-- savanna

oh my goodness.  we're doing basic grammar practice (like subject-verb agreement) in my information science class.  craziness.  so glad i'm an english major and i already know all this junk.  at least it means i can zone out.  so i don't mind it.  i made my meatloaf last night.  it was quite an adventure.  first i cried (onions).  and while i was doing that i forgot about the meat i was defrosting in the microwave and i left it in there a little too long....in fact i thoroughly cooked 1 lb of ground beef while attempting to defrost it.  so i had to go back to publix for some raw beef.  while i was there i picked up some stubbs bbq sauce, blueberry preserves, shredded cheddar cheese, and sour raspberry altoids.  and i'd done so well at not impulse buying the first time i went there...  oh well.  my meatloafs (i made 2) came out quite nicely...and then i left them out overnight because i forgot about them when i went to bed.  i think they're okay though.  so, thus ends my cooking adventure.

i like this class.  people are talking and arguing with her (her being the professor).  it's amusing.  she's pretty cool.  she doesn't care if we text or go on aim in class as long as we keep everything on silent.  and she just told us that cheating includes breaking into her house the week before exams to get the solutions.  haha!

for the record, i like wikipedia.  it's totally unreliable sometimes, but it's cool.  yeah, we're talking a LOT about the academic honor policy and how to cite sources and which sources can be used.  someone pointed out that technically if you buy an entire paper online, you bought it, so it's yours...so in theory you should be allowed to turn it in.  apparently i have the right to a hearing if i'm accused of academic dishonesty.  now we're taking a quiz on it all.  yippee.

-- savanna